Great Father To Be

Managerial-looking guy: in suit in lobby of movie theater: So let me get this straight. Your pregnant wife left in the middle of the movie, but you're still here.
Husband: Yeah, but I gave her cab fare.

Posted on 11/30/2008 12:55PM View Post 348 Views

Cougar

ME: Getting old is not cool, man. I walked in on my mom in the shower once, it was gross...her boobs go down to her fucking knees.
THEM: No, they don't.
ME: Yeah, what the fuck do you know?
(pause)
THEM: So, remember that party where she got drunk and smoked that salvia?

Posted on 11/30/2008 12:50PM View Post 356 Views

Rental cars

Foreign guy: Is it a 4-door?
Rental car lady: I have no idea, I haven't even begun the process yet.

She reaches into a drawer and pulls out a set of keys.

Rental car lady: Yes.
Foreign guy: That was some process.

Posted on 10/29/2008 09:51PM View Post 1144 Views

Cows

ME: So I was thinking about milk the other day. Milk comes from cows. And what do cows eat?
THEM: Other cows?
ME: No, dumbass! They eat grass! So it stands to reason, when you drink milk, you're actually drinking liquified grass.
THEM: Ugh, gross! I'm so not drinking milk anymore.
ME: Totally, that's why I drink soy.

Posted on 10/29/2008 09:49PM View Post 386 Views

You're Lucky

Guy: You're lucky I'm even talkin to you after what you did on your birfday.

Girl: What you talkin bout?

Guy: On yo birfday. When I didn't come to your pary. You didn't act right.

Girl: What act?

Guy: When I said I wasn't comin you said 'ok'. That ain't right. And that's why you lucky I'm talking to you.

Posted on 08/13/2008 12:08PM View Post 1022 Views

My Neighboors Hate Me

Rabidplaybunny87: Okay, so my neighbors officially hate me
GarbageStan23: why?
Rabidplaybunny87: Well, me, david and andrew were having a bonfire in the backyard, and we were making s'mores and all... and suddenly we here sirens, and see a firetruck turn into the street in front of us.
Rabidplaybunny87: So we all went running to see what was up, and our neigbor's house was on fire!
GarbageStan23: oh shit!
Rabidplaybunny87: Yeah, and when we got there, the wife was crying into her husbands arms, and we were just kinda standing there, and then she saw us, and then like for 10 seconds, gave us the dirtiest look ever
Rabidplaybunny87: Turns out, we were still holding our sticks with marshmallows on it, watching the fire....
Rabidplaybunny87: talk about bad timing...

Posted on 07/18/2008 08:49AM View Post 1239 Views

If Everyday Life Were Structured Like Double Dare

THEM: Yeah--it was great! They gave me all this stuff, three pairs of shoes and some shorts, just for showing up.
ME: That's great! When did you get out of the psych ward?
THEM: Just today!

Posted on 07/05/2008 01:23PM View Post 393 Views

Smarter Child is stupid

SmarterChild: What can I do for you?
broschibro: nothing
SmarterChild: OK.
broschibro: wait
SmarterChild: Wait for what?
broschibro: i think there is something
SmarterChild: I don't know how to answer that.
broschibro: what?
SmarterChild: What up?
broschibro: what?
SmarterChild: ?
broschibro: ?
SmarterChild: ?

Posted on 06/24/2008 09:22PM View Post 378 Views

Big Mistake

ME: So she made a mistake!
THEM: She's a pedophile!
ME: It was a big mistake!

Posted on 06/14/2008 10:28PM View Post 383 Views

Juno doesnt matter

THEM: Did you see Juno?
ME: Oh my god! I loved it! Especially that song they sang!
THEM: I know! I always try to get my boyfriend to sing like that with me, but he just tells me to get on my knees.

Posted on 06/14/2008 10:19PM View Post 369 Views